if people stopped reading

would i stop writing.

It\’s interesting that I am like a bomb ready to explode.

What sucks about this summer is that I am getting irritated at the littlest things. And surprisingly, it looks like I may be heading to Pittsburgh…with a brand new start. I have distanced myself from so many people. Not on purpose. Some we found that we had differences (or argued so much with each other that we couldn\’t stand to be around each other anymore). And some we drifted apart.

Seth and I already have agreed to have a set meeting. It\’s ironic in the sense that we have set a time when we shall see each other last, talk to each other last. The last time ever. We first met online and met each other in person to see Spiderman I. Now in less than a week, we shall see Spiderman II. An appropriate ending for the weird relationship we had. Always me trying to guess what he was thinking. And him only trying to get what he wanted. My friends had always seen him as someone normal. I never did. And now we part. He would be in Washington and I will be in Pittsburgh. Most likely, our paths probably will never cross again. We may go in the same academic circles…one or two mutual friends. But the desire to speak, communicate to each other again? Maybe not.

And for others? What is this desire? i thought awhile back if I spoke with a therapist, things would easily resolve.

but it doesn\’t. Perhaps it\’s because I don\’t want it to.

There was a letter yesterday to some local advice columinist about how some person was so bothered by her friend named…oddly enough…\”Jen\”. About how she saw all relationships as a power struggle and supposedly it came from her parents. And how she knew it was a problem. The columnist said that it was sad, but there\’s no advice that could be given. Nothing beyond…\”Jen\” has to recognize the problem herself.

Is that me? I always recognize it. I have to change it. But it\’s not that it always hinders me. I always get what I want…even if it doesn\’t come in the form that I expected. I maintain my dignity in most places. But I don\’t want to be stuck in a hole where I can\’t say what I believe is right. I can\’t let the steam blow up. When I see something wrong, I don\’t want to keep quiet. That\’s what I have always done and it has drove me mad. I have to say something. But perhaps in the process, I always go the wrong way. I say things to incite a reaction. And in all sadism, it\’s ok and works for me.