Like really.
I am someone that I must admit can’t help but live in the past. As I was revising Hard Sweet Wisdom (which apparently I never workshopped), it made me want to investigate the source. Although I had fictionalized a bit of it, much of it was based on fact. That summer, that August with that other Chris.
Even to this day, it really messed me up. Sort of like Francis although with him, I think that I resolved it a lot more?
With Chris, it was just so confusing. But then again, it felt so similar to Francis in a way. They liked me and really wanted to be around me, but never could make the move to be anything more. It was like being best friends and I couldn’t make it anything but that.
It made me so angry in some way, because it’s like well I am female, why am I not getting what I want? Isn’t it supposed to be the opposite gender? is it because I don’t embody the feminity that provides the allure that they seek?
Whatever the case, it made me upset all these years.
And writing that story made me want to dive into what it was like. And so I dug and dug. At first, it was hard. I couldn’t find the logs—which obviously was the first place I seeked. Because of that accident that happened with the Powerbook, those logs were stored separately. And so I dug and dug…and finally after so much trial and looking through files and not being able to find the actual app, I found it. I found the logs where that Chris and I chatted for hours. I found the moment where he said he missed me, it was right before graduate school. And it was like…why?
Why does it happen to me? Right before that, it was Sam. You’re just so…indescriable? So addicting? And yet never would I get a kiss? No sex. Nothing. It was just…I was so…magnetic? And nothing happened?
It’s a mistake I think to look at it, because it was so long ago. When I was in my early 20s and he was in his early twenties. I looked him up, but for what reason? He’s some CTO/head of product now. And what would I do now? Ask? Why? Why did you make me stay? Why did you make me push out my flights? Why did I do all of that? We’ll make up excuses. We’ll say that we were young and didn’t know better. We’ll say…we were confused. We didn’t know what we wanted. But ultimately, I would have to accept that i wasn’t enough.
And here’s the thing about it: it doesn’t matter anymore. As much as I believe that people don’t change, our motivations, our values and growth do change. I am happier now, at least more secure with who I am. But the pain of remembering, still remains, and here we are. Returning to the short story. And what is the only thing is to make this short story real—because those words hopefully will tell some girl in my former position that she’s not alone. She’ll hear: I had this experience and it’s okay, it’s fine. You’re okay. You’re not alone.