I hesitated for years in joining. I was honestly interested and then I hesitated. The virtual version seemed good and in control. So I did it.
And then when I did Lyra in the new year, I said that I would join. There seemed to be an interest on the coach part when I mentioned that I hesitated. I think that I was almost angry when I was asked why I didn’t. Because I knew why I was hesitating. I knew that I was going to do it.
And my fear? It wasn’t quite a fear, but as I guess Sophie noted, a mix of anxiety and fear, that I knew very clearly that I didn’t jive didn’t connect with the people. And that’s what I honestly will keep saying. I am having the worst of it all. But I keep going, because I paid for it.
Technically I should quit, but of course, I committed myself to a whole year. But I could quit in that ragey way about how unhappy I am. But am I?
I mentioned today about how I let myself confront the fear. I didn’t want to join. I didn’t want a community partly because I didn’t think that I would fit in. But I did it anyway. And of course I wasn’t ready. But I am sure what the coach would say is to focus on the things you enjoy. Why are you forcing yourself to do the things that you don’t like. Like the lunch!
Because what if I had a chance to meet someone, even if it’s 20% of the time? I am absolutely irritated though that I was congratulated for that resilience. Yeah, I am putting myself out there for 80% of that disappointment and rejection. Did I really have to be there? And I didn’t know how to respond respond to it. My brain is almost bursting from it.
As with most lunch, I stood there silently. Or maybe dumbly. Or in loneliness. And I know that I was focused way too much on it. If I distracted myself, I wasn’t alone. But it felt horrible as always as I was standing alone while all the other women were gabbing with each other. And I hated that feeling, hated it so much like I could sit there the entire time and nobody would talk to me. And it’s because I couldn’t talk to anyone.
it’s because I hate the group things.
And then of course, I say that I don’t do well in groups.
It’s weird how I want to create a community. I want to sit somewhere else. Quietly.
By myself.
To this day, I still want to eat alone or in small groups.
But I Keep going.
I remember when someone asked me if I go often. I say yes, I go to the lunch pretty regularly. Like the implication that I don’t go often. Oh I do try. Don’t tell me that I am not trying. I am always trying. And I have spent my entire life trying.
Maybe I am so tired of trying. Maybe I just want to cultivate my own life the way that I want to have friends. Is that the female feminist? I am tired of trying to make friends. I am tired of being. But thankfully, I have the people I trust.