Some people may it “getting your panties tied up in a knot.”
And so it is. Like I brought it to myself.
I’ll tell you where it started though—with Christine. When we first met, like officially met, it was at the Saturday event of the workshop. I apparently arrived…early? And was one of the first few. So I went over and looked at the snacks. She was there already, browsing through all of them. She asked me if I was part of the Ruby, since I was carrying the bag. And I was maybe impressed that she was shamelessly stuffing the snacks into her bag. Well, why not, right?
Shortly after the event, with a bit of time to socialize, I mentioned maybe getting dinner. It was to see if I could connect with others. There was a strange feeling of regret as I could tell there was something, something that didn’t sit right with me. A certain kind of pushiness that felt both uncomfortable and irritating. I still can’t place my finger exactly on what it was. Maybe it was the way that she revealed herself so vividly, which could be interesting. Or maybe in how it felt aggressively connecting with me, even though I hadn’t invited that feeling yet. I am not sure, because I wasn’t exactly super connected yet. Just a plain feeling of connection.
It was fine though later as we went to Zeigeist that day. Then the next time at Curio. Even though of course we all disliked Jeanne and had some bad moments. But it was the time at the wine bar, the Mexican restaurant and yesterday at Gotts. I think that it’s because she generalizes me. Almost too easily. You’re late, she exclaimed. I almost expected that she would call me the memoir Jennifer even though I don’t even see myself like that. Or even worse the Chinese Jennifer. Neither of those labels are ones that I have willingly constructed for myself and if others want to construct it for me, fine. But don’t do it front in of me when I am going to disagree with it.
I bristle because it makes me fit a certain role.
But I also think that it’s because I haven’t been heard. Like all the topics that are very sensitive to me—just aren’t heard. I talk about starting a family—the whole exploring pregnancy thing, but suddenly I am thrown into a loop on how she has friends who are happy without kids. I don’t think that was my point? Or being told that a book would help me, when I said that I wanted to focus on craft. Okay.
Who knows. This is the thing though, I know for certain that psychologically, the reason that I detest things in other people is usually because I detest those things in myself. I know that I can be too revealing. I can be self-absorbed and self-centered. I actively try not to be, but I know that at times, I can’t help it. And I worry about it later. Did I make the person feel unheard?
Also I guess too, I am judgemental, but I find this talk about the therapy like…well…maybe partly to me, I have learned that it’s a private thing. That you don’t want to bring your friends into it, because they can really alter something that you actually know really well. I disagreed with the way that she felt that she was saying everything that therapist was saying to her fiance. Yes, yes of course I get that it can feel validating to hear something that you said yourself and have it repeated as if it was heard. But I must have been very pointed when I said, well even though he actually was able to hear it, was he able to actually take it in and act on it? That therapist could potentially become distrusted.