confession #3

Yes, I do like getting reactions out of people.

I saw the Japanese guy today at the book return booth of the student bookstore. So I guess that\’s where he works. So why did he stop to talk to me last Wednesday? It seemed as if he was trying to hit on me. That day, I had been wearing a skirt. A nice top. I looked like I was dressed up for the occasion. Today, I was wearing cropped pants and a gray tank top under my black jacket (to hide the uncomfortable feeling I get when I don\’t think my top makes my shoulders look good). I was struggling through the halls with my backpack, the camera case and a tripod. I didn\’t know whether I should have stopped at the window and asked, \”Do you remember me?\”

Or just give a confident hi? And I thought how it could lead to interesting incidents. But that wasn\’t what I wanted. All I wanted was the reaction. And I admit that I am sometimes affected by what people say. What Jason said yesterday that affected me the most was that I do treat people like experiments sometimes, especially when I don\’t respect them. And here I am…trying to get a reaction out of someone.

And then today when I was at work trying to fix computers at a tech camp…I had to work surrounded by 10 year old kids. Some younger. And they were squealing while they played around with their office chairs, rolling back and forth. I thought…how irresponsible of the counselors. But then I noticed how one counselor just smiled at the bumper course the kids had made. They just smiled. The guy from msu last week had irked me when he tried to get me to play cybersex. I refused saying it was dumb. and I just had to go on a sXe rant. And then he finally said that I didn\’t know how to have fun. That I probably never allowed myself to let go…to experience fun. That kind of struck me. But I don\’t believe I am that repressed. I never was wild. I never liked taking part in the wild things. I always found myself…so lost, so confused, so drained after huge activities. What the difference is…our personalities.

I can\’t endure heavy partying. It doesn\’t give me what I need. It\’s not because I am repressed. It\’s not because I don\’t know how to enjoy things. People aren\’t all the same.

And there lies my pleasure in getting reactions. I like watching how people react. And why they react the way they do. I carefully analyze. and sometimes I am so exhaused, but it gives me that little bit of satisfaction that I have figured something out. I could go on an endless conclusive analysis of why I do the things I do. But that\’s just it. It\’s not a fault. It\’s just the way it is.