this way

The counselor a few months ago told me that I should use other ways of expressing my bitterness. That if I was unhappy with someone, then I should say so. That I should tell them how I felt.

So after he told me that, I had been practicing expressing my discomfort on Mae. So one day I told Mae that I felt HURT when she cut a phone conversation short. She told me the reason why–that she wanted to sleep early for a final. So it was ok and I didn\’t feel resentful. However, Mae questioned my comment, saying that I was too sensitive about things. So what then? Is it better to express myself or to hold resentment in my heart?

Mae called me back today (somehow she never listened to the voicemail I left 2 days ago–that\’s another thing, if I leave voicemail, I expect the person to check it) asking if I was planning anything for this weekend. I said no. And so she suggested the Alameda County Fair. I asked where we should meet. She said that we could meet at her uncle\’s place. Then I said that was too inside. I suggested that we meet at the parking lots nearby. Or the mall. Just so that we could leave our cars somewhere. Then I suggested that she come to my house instead (I live 20 minutes north of the fair and she lives 30 minutes south). I got pissy when she refused saying that she was going out of her way.

I always go out of my way for everyone. During finals, I asked if she would come to meet me at my apartment, and she said it was too far. It\’s not too far! It\’s only three blocks west. Some people would walk 5 blocks just for someone. I was insulted. I have always gone out of my way for people I value. and that value itself I know is fleeting when I lose respect for them. But I have remembered that I have driven to Mae\’s house in San Jose several times. She has never come to my house. I once drove her to her cousin\’s house from Tram\’s bbq party. I have been to her \”apartment\” in Berkeley 5-7 times. She has been in my apartment once. When I had my car in Berkeley, I drove her to her apt several times. Not to mention, I would drive deliberately up there to drop something off.

Right before I moved out, I had asked her if she would come and help me clean. She refused saying that it was too far and it took up her time, etc.

sjdflsdjdfljdslfjds. Why is it such a big deal for her to drive to my house? I was offended when she said that she didn\’t feel that great about me getting the bill when we went to Dennys. What\’s wrong with that? I never knew this side of her until this year. This side that seemed so strict, so unflexible, so rigid, so i-want-to-do-things-my-way.

Why do I let people take advantage of me? Then I feel useless afterwards? Maybe that\’s just a great statement though. One that I say in times of remorse. I know that I have let Aaron taken advantage of me and it got to me so much in the end that I ended our friendship as a result. I took Xing out a lot. There was once when I drove all the way to Oakland and drove her all the way to Concord then drove her all the way back home. That\’s 60 mile trip total. I have driven to San Jose to visit friends. Gone out of my way for them. I have driven to Stanford. Driven to Palo Alto. Yet how often do people visit me? I am tired of this…this…

But I mean isn\’t this trivial? Jason mentioned a few days ago that I still hadn\’t found the true meaning of friendship. I am still puzzled over that. Because right now I am almost willing to throw a friendship away just on the basis of how Mae has never gone out of her way for me. But what is then a friendship? A system of support? A place to share laughter? It\’s so…thin…so shallow. I don\’t get it. It\’s as if i am a robot and I suddenly realized that I don\’t like how I am being treated.

But let\’s see. Why do I appreciate the people I have as friends? There are some who know about my habit of burning bridges. They tell me that I could tell them when I felt uncomfortable with something or when I didn\’t like something. But I have always wondered, would they really change themselves for me? Just because I am naturally hypersensitive? And then i am trying to think, did seeing the counselor really help me? Or was it just me admitting that I had a problem? and that did the counselor really teach me new ways of dealing with things? Tools of how to manage life?

I appreciate my current friends for the fact…that…
most saliently, I appreciate that they would go out of the way for me. In particular, I was surprised when Karen told me that I could tell her when I felt uncomfortable with something. And she would not be insulted. And it has been that way. Sure I get irritated at her constant inquisitiveness of the most useless things (fortunately, she doesn\’t do it during the movie), but I suppose it\’s for the ultimate good.
And then there are some people I appreciate just so that they can listen to me. But that\’s self-centered isn\’t it? That I only want them there so that they can listen to me rant and help me cope?
And perhaps, I like being selfless. I want to make someone\’s day. But that can apply to anybody.
Another reason? That I want to have someone to hang out with, eat dinner with, see a movie with. But that\’s shallow.
Someone who is always there?

No. but then there are some people who do things out of obligation, not because they really want to. This confuses me, because I still don\’t know the point of a friendship.