hs vs. college

I re-read my yearbooks today. And maybe it was because all of us were younger…more immature, but everything was so thin. Even the thing that Julie Quan wrote. It was just a recollection of superficial times we spent together. Nothing too deep. Nothing really.

Sure there were the lines of \”you\’re so nice\” and \”you\’re so sweet\” as if to describe my everpresent character. But it just didn\’t carry enough meaning.

And here I am leaving Cal. I have my book thing. And now instead of \”it was great being in English with you…\” or \”thanks for helping me with English\”…it\’s \”despite the little time we had together, i can truly see a light in you, you will go far…blah blah\”. It\’s so much deeper. Perhaps in college, I was able to forge the deeper, intense relationships. The meaningful ones.

I haven\’t ever had a time like this where…I can sense that people will truly miss me. For the longest time, I never thought I was different from anyone else. That\’s basically where my friend philosophy comes from. There\’s always someone to replace someone else. There will be someone to replace me. I didn\’t think I was unique in that sense. And with some friends, I never really understood…well…why they chose me. Why did they decide to ask me to hang out? Why do they say \”It won\’t be the same without you here\”. How can my presence be missed? I still never thought that I was that unique to other people.

Sure to myself, I believe I have all the qualities people should befriend me for. Compassion, intense loyalty, empathy, obscure sense of humor, NONevilness…

By the way, why did only people from work show up to my going away party? What happened? I think I caused too much drama and deliberately cut off people as a result.

Work: Taiche (Chris #1), Pat, Chris #2, Lam, Chris #3, Vikas, Dimas, Sean, Kyle, Angie, Noah

non-work: Cliff, Kathy

Ok, Chris that one Ong may not count

But where did my non-work friends go? Is this the rescult? I just have no normal friends anymore? All my former girl buddies disappeared…and the thing is…I felt guilty yesterday when I realized that I liked being around my \”newer\” friends more than with my \”older\” friends like Kathy. I shift too much. Then again, maybe it was because I wasn\’t that close to Kathy. If Shinelun was there, someone i have known for almost 2 years, I would have talked to him a lot. And also my sister. The mood would have increased. 😀

Ok non-work friends are basically (that didn\’t go)….Seth, April, Christina, Mae (but I almost didn\’t invite her because of our little disagreement in early July – i swear why doesn\’t she ever go out of her way for me when I have gone possibly more than 100 miles driving out of the way…ok i am selfish…but still), Lydia, Norman, Boris, Behrad (I don\’t know if he would have come though…)

and at the same time, prior to the party, I knew that there were few of my friends who would have slowed the party down. I would feel guilty about having them there, knowing that they wouldn\’t have fun. So as a result, I would try to spend a lot of my time trying to make sure they had a good time. Then of course, I would always be obligated to drive them back. And so it goes? Maybe in this sense, I don\’t consider them good friends enough.