Wouldn\’t it be nice if things were much easier? Wouldn\’t it be nice if we didn\’t keep our feelings back? Namely mine? Wouldn\’t it be nice if we had courage and didn\’t submit to cowardice?
Maybe I lose my own ambition, maybe I just don\’t want it enough.
I love spending time with Andy. I don\’t know how time just passed and disappears so quickly. Today around 1 pm, he called me about the opera tomorrow and asked me if I wanted to make dinner with him tonight. At first, I said that I had a kickboxing class until 8:30 pm.
But somehow it worked out in the end. We met up at Giant Eagle. He came in a long black hooded jacket, looking determined. I greeted him with a smile, my back to the strawberries. We glanced around…and finally settled on chicken.
We made chicken stir-fry that turned out a bit plain, but that was ok. It had snow peas, brocolli, and mushrooms. Two things I didn\’t like. It needed some more sauce.
And afterwards, we talked for nearly 2 hours. I miss those simple things.
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And then I woke up today, feeling like I had missed something. I asked Ben (the self-proclaimed love doctor) today about the situation. It\’s so futile I know, to think and ponder too much about something…where I am doing nothing. Nothing happens! He once again cautioned, \”Just don\’t talk to him. You have two months left.\” Then a moment later, he said, \”Girls want deeper meaningful things, but you know guys they are very…they can be all casual just for 2 months.\”
And so I do.
But then Ben paused and said, \”You can always make something happen if you push it. Like if you had stayed overnight.\”
Yesterday as always, there was an awkward pause. A moment of indecision. I want to stay but I should go. And the comfort of just being there, surrounded by his new white sofa and stories of how he got each item in his apartment. I put on my shoes, bent over…he tugged at my shirt…a thing he naturally did.
Sometimes I want to be more playful, more affectionate, but I am sorry, I can\’t be anyone but myself.