And so the imaginary line between 2020 and 2021 starts.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep well. First, there was the pounding headache. You know, the kind that hurts behind my right hand. Then around my head. It had started after I finished work. And I wasn’t sure if it was because of the caffeine from the tea I had steeped twice (but it was literally the 2nd and 3rd steep!) and filled with milk. Or the candy that I ingested. Or the whole mini loaf of banana bread I ingested. Or was it stress from angst? Or was it grinding my teeth and my mouth guard isn’t enough?
That’s what bothers me.
But I know what consumed my thoughts was my displeasure of the ice breakers in the weekly staff meeting. I have to admit that I thought that they were nice. Ice breakers, to me, always had been fun. And when I saw them improved and studied around ways to lead to productive meetings, I embraced them.
But then there was that one time that Anna-Marie brought up how it just felt…well she didn’t state it explicitly. But it was along the lines of…how am I supposed to answer it now? how am i supposed to provide an upbeat answer? That’s the funny thing about it all in parallel with all the research. We are generally reluctant to share non-positive moments. We don’t want to share things that aren’t joyful.
It’s like answering the question of “how are you” which I have always hated with a passion.
And so overnight I was pretty much angry about it. About how I felt pressured to compete. About how I might say something wrong. About how I could say something cruel that hurt someone and be judged for it. About how I was going to be super mean about it. About how I would judge others for their answers. I get the intent, but I didn’t like it…could we do something else? Something more neutral? But my first impulse was of course to attack.
So I brought it up as the first item on the agenda. It actually went okay, even though I rambled a bit about it. And we got somewhere.
I don’t want to be completely whole at work. I am there to do the thing. And it’s interesting how I had ambitions to be so much more, but I just want to be and that’s it. Take everythat that i want so that i can do my own thing. And that’s it!