a better day

Despite rushing the research today, I felt better about it all. My grandmother made it through her surgery at the hospital.

And of course me. I woke up and got dressed rapidly. Ate lunch. Drove to Berkeley. The night before I had arranged with Pat that I would arrive at the office by 11. But knowing him, I knew that wouldn\’t really happened. Previously, I was going to meet him at his house at noon but when I called him, he was asleep. He drowsily cancelled the plan for him to come with me to work on stuff. And I had gone to myself. So today, I lazily didn\’t leave my house until 10:50 am and didn\’t get to the office until 11:20 am. Not to my surprise, he wasn\’t there. The other people in his office said that he also missed a morning meeting. Not the first time, but I just laughed. I went and worked on my research project. To my surprise, Noah who I had enjoyed being around last August got all interested. Perhaps, he\’s naturally charismatic like that. Always hitting on all the girls. But we hadn\’t really spoken since because we worked in different units, different classes, different years. Two years younger of course. But yeah.

I went to my research meeting. Found that I was able to come off intelligently rather than the stuttering idiot I was 2 weeks ago. I had ideas. Brillant ones, I thought. And I was able to reflect on the other people\’s ideas thoughtfullly in a few seconds. I could be an academic! But to my dismay, I was surprised that Jason didn\’t invite me to come along to a conference in early August to Cambridge. I didn\’t want to push it, because it was…so unnecessary. But I felt that I had been let them down, that perhaps they didn\’t ask me to go because they didn\’t think it was worth it. So I kept my mouth shut. But I felt better about the research afterwards.

I went back to the office and was constantly in worry that I wasn\’t acting right. But today was better. I was able to socialize normally with people. I know, insecurity.

What I don\’t understand is how could people regret being sheltered? Our personalities define us already. And perhaps some people are better off being sheltered and obedient. I can\’t cross over. I have tried a few times in the past and I always felt that I wasn\’t being myself at all. That I had lost myself…completely.

—

later today

I always feel a bit sick when I am surrounded by too many people who know my name. And these are people that I don\’t consider a friend. I felt my face flush. I wanted to hide. I don\’t feel like myself at all. I guess it\’s something I have to get used to.